I was having a hard day. This was a while ago, before we’d started the Unity Society, and I didn’t have a clear sense of what I was supposed to be doing. At the same time, things at the day job were especially crazy. Each of those things are stressful on their own, but together? A hard day.
My mantra, “I’m okay,” was not helping. That’s not a shocker, of course. It had never worked before. Everybody knows when they’re lying to themselves. Affirmations are powerful tools, but the power comes from agreeing with God. The goal is oneness. If you words are a disagreement with everything you’re feeling, if you are wrestling with yourself, it’s pretty tough to get where you want to go.
Along with being completely ineffectual, the “I’m okay” affirmation had the side benefit of fooling exactly nobody. After I’d repeated my mantra for the third time, Jenny said “Okay, enough. Please get yourself some coffee and let’s sit for a minute.” I didn’t argue. That’s not a good idea under optimal circumstances, but I knew I was too busy fighting myself to mount any kind of defense. Besides, sitting and having a cup of joe with my best friend is usually what I’d prefer to be doing anyhow.
“Good. Now, please be not okay for a minute.” I wasn’t expecting that. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was not the source of all order and goodness in the universe. The permission to let go was healing. I felt better, by letting myself feel bad.
Sometimes the desire to be in charge of things keeps us away from authenticity. I’m a talker, as you know. But Truth does not start with what you say. It is felt first. Let yourself feel your feelings. If they are negative, you are being shown a place where you disagree with God. That’s an awareness you can build on.
Where does your “okay” come from? If you’re the source or the destination, I’ve got some more coffee for you. There’s room on the couch.